I'm angry
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Trigger warning: This journal includes discussion of sexual harassment and sexual assault.
I'm angry.
In 2024, international research found that 82% of women and 42% of men over the age of 18 reported experiencing sexual harassment at some point in their lives. Here in New Zealand, government data tells us around one in three women will experience physical sexual assault. Multiple studies - all pointing in the same direction.
Those numbers should stop me in my tracks, but like most women I am not surprised - I believe closer to 100% of women I know have experienced sexual harassment, and too many women I know sexual assault.
Our news has been filled with stories that harassment, abuse and assault among children and teenagers may be even more widespread than many of us wanted to believe. I recently spoke with someone who works in preventing child exploitation. I hoped they might reassure me that things weren't as bad as they seemed. They couldn't.
I was born in 1970. When I was growing up, sexual harassment was treated as something women were simply expected to live with...Boys being boys.
Lewd comments in the workplace were normalised. I remember a boss at an after-school job groping me in a supermarket chiller. I remember men on the London Underground pressing themselves unnecessarily against my body in crowded trains. I remember the calculation every woman seemed to make without even thinking.
Is this carriage too crowded? Should I move? Will saying something make it worse?
We weren't taught that this behaviour was unacceptable. We were taught how to minimise our exposure to it.
Don't walk home alone... Don't wear that... Hold your keys between your fingers... Stay with your friends... Watch your drink... Learn self-defence...
Looking back, I can't remember much public conversation about teaching boys and men not to do these things in the first place. I'm sure many parents were having those conversations at home, but culturally it wasn't front and centre. Women's self-defence classes seemed far more common than community conversations about respect, consent and accountability. Too often, women were judged instead.
She was asking for it... Look what she was wearing... Why was she there?..
Fast forward three or four decades. Have things changed?
In many ways, yes.
Women are more visible in leadership. More women speak publicly about their experiences. The #MeToo movement challenged powerful men who had hidden behind status, influence and fear for decades.
Those changes matter. But they're not enough. And I feel like we're slipping backwards.
Because too many people—overwhelmingly men—still behave as though they are entitled to someone else's body, attention or fear. Whether it's an unwanted comment, an unsolicited explicit photo, a hand where it doesn't belong, or something far worse.
None of it is about attraction. It is about power. Or more accurately, the illusion of power.
Someone who lacks self-respect attempting to manufacture it by making another human being feel smaller. That isn't masculinity. It isn't confidence. It isn't strength. It's insecurity dressed up as dominance.
I'm angry because we've spent generations teaching women how to adapt instead of teaching everyone that consent, respect and personal boundaries are non-negotiable. I'm angry because young girls are still learning the same safety strategies my generation learned. I'm angry because too many boys are still growing up in environments where disrespect towards women is tolerated, excused or even celebrated. I'm angry because accountability and consequences for predators seems scant.
But anger can be useful. It can become fuel. Fuel to have uncomfortable conversations. Fuel to believe people when they tell their stories. Fuel to raise children who understand that another person's body is never theirs to comment on, touch or claim without enthusiastic consent.
And fuel to refuse the idea that this is simply "the way things are."
It isn't.
And it doesn't have to stay that way.
Yours in love and respect,
Pauline
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Research links
#MeToo 2024 Report (Newcomb Institute)
National Studies - Stop Street Harassment
New Zealand Ministry for Women - Women's safety Data & Research
If this article bought up difficult feelings for you, you don't have to deal with it alone. Support is available.
- Safe to talk - Kōrero mai ka ora. Aotearoa New Zealand's free, confidential 24/7 support service for anyone affected by sexual harm. Tel: 0800 044 344, text 4344 or use the online chat.
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Women's Refuge New Zealand. 24-hour support, advocacy, safety planning and emergency accommodation. Crisis line 0800 REFUGE (0800 733 843)
The majority of men are not perpetrators. But every man has an opportunity to help shap the culture that young boys grow up in. The standard we walk past becomes the standard we accept.
Resources for men who want to be part of the solution
Preventing sexual harassment and violence isn't just women's work. Many men are already leading this conversation, challenging outdated ideas about masculinity, modelling respectful behaviour, and calling out harmful attitudes in other men.
Some excellent places to start:
- White Ribbon New Zealand – New Zealand's leading organisation engaging men and boys to prevent violence against women. Their resources focus on healthy masculinity, respectful relationships, consent and how men can influence other men.
- White Ribbon Respectful Relationships Toolbox – Practical, evidence-based guides covering equality, communication, consent, taking responsibility and supporting other men to build respectful relationships.
- White Ribbon Pledge – A simple commitment to actions such as listening to women, challenging sexist behaviour, treating women as equals, and talking with young men about consent and respectful relationships.
- Ministry of Education – Relationships and Sexuality Education – Information for parents and caregivers about how schools teach consent, healthy relationships, boundaries and respect. It's a useful starting point for continuing those conversations at home.